Spiderman 3 Review

There is so much that is wrong about this movie that it is a true testament to the pure and undeniable entertainment value of Spiderman that I walked away thinking that I might have maybe enjoyed myself. Unfortunately, the more I think about it the harder I find that to believe.

What's wrong with it? In one sentence; Sam Raime is the problem. He's just done folks. And if there is a Spiderman 4, and I hope there is, I pray to God that that man is not at the helm. Sam, no one can ever take away the achievement that 1 and 2 were, but here's your watch Sam, enjoy the fourth installment, thanks for the good memories.

For those who have seen the movie, or those who don't mind spoilers, here are 5 reasons why this movie is bad enought that you will wish you had rented it on DVD.

1. After an absolutely great intro, bulding upon the previous two great intros and taking it one notch further, we are greeted with 20+ minutes of Peter just walking around telling us how happy he is. Ok, we get it. Peter is happy. I got that after ten minutes. At fifteen, when Peter and Mary-Jane are sitting in the tree making Doe eyes at each other, I was absolutely convinced he was happy. After 20, when he sat down for tea with Aunt May, I wanted to throw my popcorn at someone.

2. Finally, just when I think this is how Oprah would direct Spiderman 3, the action starts. And wow, does it every start with a bang. What a great intro to the action. Unfortunately, this is the second problem with the movie. The action here is so good, and so intense, that everything after it right up to the final battle is all kind ho-hum, been there, seen that. I'm Sorry Sam, but you can only toss Spidey through so many walls, buildings and busses before it starts to get routine. Spidey got tossed though most of Manhatten in the first five minutes. After that, every wall that fell on him was just another brick in the wall.

3. The Sandman was good. I enjoyed the character, the acting, the development. What a darn shame there was no way for Spiderman to beat him except by forgiving him at the end of the movie. Actually, did he even beat him? In the end we just see this same old lame drift of sand fly off into the sunset. Doesn't sand need wind to move like that? I know that we're talking about a movie where a man has spider powers, and an alien being falls from space, and even in that context, this flying drift of sand is just stupid.

4. Speaking of venom, it's supposedly an alien that Dr. Conners says brings out the worst in people. 'Especially agression'. And what does Peter do when this thing takes over? He walks around like a total tool, snapping his fingers and making guns with his hands at girls. He does some gay-ass John Travolta moves dance moves for no reason, on sidewalks, stores, etc.. He has a jazz swingfest in a bar where he uses his amazing abilities to slow dance with a girl EXACTLY like I did in grade nine. And finally, he makes the girl next door bake him cookies. I kid you not. He doesn't even say it as maen as Cartman. At least, Topher gets all power hungry and thirsting for revenge when he becomes Venom. If you can stand the fact that the scariest villain in the movie sounds like a total stoner dude. Oh geez, where have I seen this actor before? Sure, there are some moments that Peter gives us some more powerful moments of being corrupted by the alien being, but they are totally overpowered by the LAME and FAR more extensive scenes of Peter just walking around being a douche.

5. It's just too long. And I say this as someone who has watched all three LOTR movies - extended versions! - and thought that it was just the right amount of time. I love long movies. But this... this was too much. What precisely was the value of the scene where Peter just watches himself swinging around on television, and then invites others to do the same. Why exactly did Mary-Jane need to have three damn near full songs in the movie, where we and Peter are forced to sit and watch. If you want to direct a play with Mary-Jane in it then do so, but in the Spiderman movies take a clue from number 2 and show 1 scene, two lines, max. And for Gods sake don't show Peter singing along with her the whole fucking time. We get it. He's a goofy nerd in love. We don't need three minutes of him singing along with her to get that.

Final thoughts:

This is not a bad movie. It's a disapointment. And its' not even all that disapointing. It would probably be your favorite rental movie of the week. But don't go to the theater expecting a repeat of your 1 and 2 experience. Only an absolute fanboy would call this a good movie.

Oh and the acting of Peter, Mary-Jane, hell, everyone, was great. Spectactular. The actors should all be extremently proud. Probably the best performances of the three are in this movie. Sadly, the primal fun and excitement of the story of Spiderman, the excellent acting, and the strong disposition to like the damn movie, isn't enough to overcome the fact that the director has been given one movie too many in the series. It's even making me rethink whether or not Peter Jackson is the right guy to direct the Hobbit. Yeah, that bad.

PS. A friend pointed out that I call Topher lame as Venom but then say that everyone did a great job. It's true. He did a great job. I've never seen better out of him. I'm afraid in my mind he'll forever be the stoner on that 70's show. People who haven't seen it probably will have nothing but praise to say for him.